Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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