My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
