Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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