Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
