Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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