And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
