Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize