U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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