hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
