walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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