What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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