not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
