FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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