you would pick up someone in the library
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
