somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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