I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
