the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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