The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
