i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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