I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
