as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
