They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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