hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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