dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
