my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
tonight lets celebrate not being married
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am naked and annoyed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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