He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
