So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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