Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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