matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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