Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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