You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
