I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
