I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
