tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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