Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
