i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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