well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
