Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
