they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
