drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
