i may or may not be watching the land before time
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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