So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
