My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
