I like my sex mixed with concussions.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
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Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Damn victory sex feels great