im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He passed out mid-signature
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
