Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
