I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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