My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize