You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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