Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
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You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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