whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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