R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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