I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
